What You Hate in Others Might Be Hiding in You

Turn irritation into insight—here's the truth no one wants to hear.

Ever meet someone who gets under your skin?

They walk into the room, say a few harmless words, and suddenly, you’re internally rolling your eyes. You’re irritated. Maybe even angry. And it makes no logical sense.

But here’s something I’ve learned the hard way:

We often dislike the parts of ourselves we haven’t fully accepted in others.

Psychologist Edward Whitmont put it this way:
"Ask someone to describe the type of person they can’t stand… and they’ll describe their repressed traits."

That hit me like a spotlight.

I once had a loud, opinionated colleague who always had to have the last word. Every time he spoke, I found myself judging him—Why is he like this? So arrogant. So controlling.

But during a quiet walk one evening, I asked myself:
“How am I that?”

This question was inspired by Debbie Ford’s book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers.

I realized I also needed to be heard. I just masked it better. I wanted to be correct, too—I just packaged it with more sociable words. What I hated in him was a trait I hadn’t yet made peace with in me.

The truth is that you spot that arrogance, neediness, or stubbornness in someone else…It might be your own shadow trying to get your attention.

This isn’t about blame.
It’s about awareness.

Self-growth doesn’t start when you fix others.
It starts when you stop projecting and start reflecting.

As Debbie Ford wrote in The Dark Side of the Light Chasers:
“What we can’t be with won’t let us be.”

Let that sink in.

So here’s a question to keep in your back pocket:

“What mirror are they holding up for me?”

Because the people who push your buttons might reveal the very things you need to work on.

Not out there. In here.

Reflection Prompt:
Think of someone who irritates you. What specific trait triggers you?

Be brutally honest.

Then ask: “How does this trait show up in me?”

The more you’re willing to see your shadows, the more light you can bring to others.

Start there, and everything changes.