The Step That Silently Breaks Collaboration

Before we act, we feel. But before we feel, we tell ourselves a story. That’s where friction begins.

In every relationship, personal or professional, we take action based on how we feel. But feelings don’t arise in isolation. They’re shaped by the story we tell ourselves about what’s happening.

That story often determines the success or failure of our interactions.

At the core of any emotional response or behavior is a simple four-step process. It happens so quickly that we rarely notice it, but slowing it down is key to understanding collaboration (or friction).

Here’s how it works:

❶ Fact – This is what we observe. Someone arrives late to a meeting. An email is left unanswered. A comment interrupts us. These are objective and measurable events.

❷ Story – This is how we interpret the facts. “They’re not interested.” “They’re disrespecting my time.” “They don’t value my input.” It’s here that meaning is created. It’s also here that misalignment begins.

❸ Feeling – Based on the story we’ve told ourselves, we feel irritated, hurt, or defensive. Our emotional state becomes less about what happened and more about what we believe it means.

❹ Action – Finally, we act. We withdraw, reply curtly, or avoid the person. The collaboration begins to unravel—not because of what actually happened, but because of what we made it mean.

Most of us jump from fact to feeling to action, skipping the second step entirely. Yet it’s the story that fuels the rest of the chain.

Here’s a simple example:

Your teammate doesn't respond to a Slack message for hours.

• Fact: No reply.
  

• Story: “They’re ignoring me.”
  

• Feeling: Frustrated or slighted.
  

• Action: You stop sharing updates with them.

But what if the story isn’t true?
What if they were in back-to-back meetings or focused on a deadline?

In my experience coaching teams and individuals, this skipped step—Step 2—is the source of most workplace tension. Not because people are bad at communication, but because they’re unaware of the story they’re creating.

By slowing down and reflecting before reacting, we build not only better relationships, but a more collaborative culture.

Here are a few questions that help me pause:

• What story am I telling myself right now?
  

• What else might be true?
  

• How would I respond if I saw this differently?
  

The story you tell shapes the collaboration you experience.

Choose it with care.

"Between stimulus and response there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
— Viktor E. Frankl