Saboteur#1: I don’t know what I want
Crushing the top 3 saboteurs of goal achievement
The next three posts will describe the top three challenges I have noticed in my clients while embracing a goal-oriented life. I call them the top three saboteurs of goal achievement.
In this post, we’ll address the top one on the list: “I don’t know what I want.”
During the initial sessions of a coaching engagement, my clients go through a few reflective exercises to elevate their self-knowledge, and to know why they do what they do and why they want what they want. You can find one of those journaling exercises in this post.
There are nine questions in this exercise. You can write in a notepad, an online document, or record your answers as a voice memo. You choose your way.
But this is a prerequisite for the next steps in our engagement. A significant number of people have a tough time with this exercise. They come with one of these two situations for the next coaching session.
1) A blank page. They say, “I did my best. I couldn’t write anything. I kept scratching off whatever I wrote.”
2) Half-baked answers scribbled in small letters. They don’t have ownership of what they wrote. They share it with a tone of frustration, “I don’t think I can own what I wrote. These are random thoughts. I’m not at all passionate about what I wrote here. Looks like I ticked the box by writing. I’m not committed to what I wrote.”
A tough coach would say, “What’s stopping you? Fear? Or Laziness?”
I would gently ask you, “What would you do if you had no fear? What would you do if you weren’t afraid to fail? What’s worth doing even if you fail?”
If that doesn’t help you, I’ll ask this, “What brings joy to you?” That’s the path you need to walk. Follow your bliss; joy is your compass.
Some people also say, “I don’t know my life purpose.” As if your life has just one purpose, either you know it or don’t as if it’s binary, zero or one, nothing in between.
That’s a fallacy. Our life can have multiple purposes.
Meaning and happiness are the indicators. Whatever gives you meaning or happiness, could be one of your purposes. For instance, I find meaning and happiness every time I donate blood. It's one of my purposes. I cannot say it’s the purpose of my life. That would be too narrow. I have so many other things that sprinkle meaning in my life salad. So do you.
You don’t have to latch on to one big purpose. There’s no big or small when it comes to your purpose. Size doesn’t matter, but presence does.
If you struggle to come up with a list of your goals, try an alternative. Focus on living your day fully invested in your values. If you value health and well-being, do something every day toward your health. Follow tiny steps consistently. Demonstrate your values in your daily choices—small and big. Of course, for this, you need to be aware of your values first so you can demonstrate them in your choices.
While you live based on your values, along the way you’ll discover your life purposes. A common pattern will emerge like a Polaroid picture slowly emerging after a few minutes. Be patient. Be fully engaged in your life. Be observant in finding patterns and themes.
One last piece of advice: you are welcome to do this journaling exercise several times. That’s another way to find themes and patterns around what matters to you.
Choose your way: notepad, online doc, or voice recorder.
It’s like building muscles. Would you build muscles by watching dumbbells every day? No. You would build them by lifting dumbbells, many reps, over and over. Your body will overcompensate to grow muscle as the muscle fibers break down during the exercise.
The same rule applies here. Let those fibers break, let your purpose muscle be built via reps. The more, the better.
The outcome? Strong purpose muscles that’ll lift heavy goals in your life!
Nine journaling questions:
What are you most passionate about?
What are your greatest strengths?
How can you get paid for doing what you love?
When do you feel most alive? What circumstances? Around what people?
What were your five greatest accomplishments over the last five years?
What will your five greatest accomplishments be over the next five years? Then twenty-five years?
How can you best share your gift with the world?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
If you were guaranteed to succeed, what would you dare to do?
“Life has no meaning. Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.” - Dr. Joseph Campbell